Selfish
by merciful-malice
Summary: A short story from the viewpoint of a girl in love with a boy who can't love her back and the bitter sweet things that mean so much to those that experience them.


_So, sometimes – often those times involve liquor – I write things and save them to my laptop. Every six months or so, I perform a cleanup of my files and find something that holds my attention. I never know whether I intended to continue them, or if it had a point, or what I was thinking while I wrote._

_This thing – for lack of a better word – is one of those._

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**Selfish**

It was common knowledge to all of those who passed through the halls of Ouran High School that _they_ were on a pedestal. To be viewed and lusted for, but never to fall in love. Not truly in love. It was forbidden, and for our own good. Even in knowing this as well as I did, I couldn't help myself. He, without a single word, had captured my heart and was now all that kept it beating. His dark eyes seemed to see into my mind and almost instinctually he would act the role of the gentleman. Not once had I passed through a door after him that he hadn't held. Not that the gesture was special to me. He and all of the rest of _them_ behaved this way automatically.

_ They_ would be Ouran High School's very own host club and _he_ would be Takashi Morinozuka. From the moment I laid my eyes on him I knew he would be more disruptive to my thoughts than any other man had been.

I had no idea at that time how right I was.

However, I quickly learned that he happily served his cousin and lived to protect and care for the small teen. Thus brought me to an obstacle I knew deep down I could never overcome and be happy. On the one hand, I could do everything in my power to lure him from his cousin – who might I point out was plenty capable of caring for himself – but I knew that would not bode well with my conscience. On the other hand, my heart would not allow me to stand idle. I had to act and it took only an afternoon of quiet thought to understand what I had to do.

Never had I been to the host club before. Something about it just didn't feel comfortable to me. I was not exactly about to change on that. I was greeted by the club king, and he made a great show of fluttering his eye lashes at me and kissing my hand. Romantic and kind motions that I'm sure he bestowed upon all his guests.

"I… I would like to talk… with… talk to … I… ummm… Just for a moment…," I stuttered out, aware that it made very little sense, but unable to actually force the words out right.

"Are you looking to make an appointment?" asked his friend from behind him.

I shook my head, red faced. This was not me. I was stronger than this. Why was I so nervous? How could this happen to me now?

They stood patiently waiting in front of me. I looked sideways and spotted him. He looked so relaxed and calm. Nothing fazed him. I envied him right now, nearly as much as I wanted to join him.

Moments later, the most feminine member of the club joined his friends in staring at me. He seemed to assemble what I had been thinking almost immediately and I theorized that perhaps looking so much like a girl had helped him learn to think like one.

"You want to see Mori-senpai?" he inquired, sounding as girly as he looked.

I nodded and soon found myself in the hall, trying to avoid the surprisingly nosy club king and his friends. Just Takashi and I. Standing there alone. Together. If only we could stay this way forever, but I knew better. This was only for the now and I was sure my time was limited.

Without having said so much as a greeting, he began to walk away.

"Wait, where are you going?" I followed him down the hall a little to a window. He stopped and it occurred to me what he was doing. "Thank you," I whispered, grateful for the extra privacy his manoeuvre had earned us.

As expected, he didn't respond, just looked at me with those calm dark eyes. He was so calm. I looked to my feet. This sort of thing probably happened to him all the time. I was such a fool to even have thought this was a good idea. Still, there was no turning back now.

"I know that what I'm going to say won't change things. I know that you have wholly dedicated yourself to someone else. I just couldn't not tell you. I don't want to regret having not said anything." I paused for a moment, but again, he said nothing. "I love you."

I scanned his face for reaction but registered none. Had he even heard me? Forcing the lack of emotion he had from my mind I tried to close the conversation in a less dramatic way. "I just wanted you to know." Before I could even think, before I was even aware of my own words I was talking again. "If it's not too much to ask, could I… Could you…" I swallowed. "Could I have just a kiss? I know that there won't be anything more than that and that it probably won't mean anything to you," I was rambling, "I just want…"

He did an excellent job of silencing me. He reached a hand out and cupped my cheek. "Yeah."

He spoke! I closed my eyes and smiled at the warmth of his palm on my face. When I opened my eyes he was leaning in. I forced myself to stop grinning and shut them again.

His lips were on mine. My skin prickled and tingled all over. I was so happy I felt as though it was possible for me to actually explode right then and there. I failed to place another occasion when I felt this feeling.

When he pulled back I kept my eyes closed. "Thank you," I whispered for the second time. I listened to the sounds of his footsteps as he walked back to the music room. I heard the door. I cried.

I leaned on the sill and cried. The feeling was strange. He had made me so happy and yet so sad at the same time. It hurt, but it had been a memory I would treasure.

"Princess," came the voice of the king, "Why are you in tears?"

I looked to him and found him, the bespectacled one and the girly one looking at me with pity.

"I'm crying," I said while I smiled genuinely, "because I'm selfish."

**End**

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_Nope, I don't know if that was actually the end, but that's where it ends now because this train of thought derailed a lonnnnng time ago in a land far away... make that a galaxy far away. _

_Point being, I just read it for a second time and thought I'd share this dreadful bit with you. Maybe someone out there in the fanfiction universe will find this, make sense of it and inspire me to continue. _

_Meh, maybe._

_Much love,_

_Naito._


End file.
